They say that you need the equivalent of one month for every year that you were in a long-term relationship after it ends before you can be ready for love again. WRONG! There’s no set time to determine when you’re ready. Every situation is different, and therefore someone can be prepared sooner or even later. However, it would help if you used some key factors to do a personal gut check before launching your love-seeking campaign.
Reflect on these feelings that may exist within you as you assess your current situation. These are some of the mindsets and feelings that may give you pause as you determine your relationship-readiness:
- You don’t feel neutral towards your ex. Feeling hurt or anger towards your ex, blaming them or yourself, or feeling guilty about your relationship not working out. The day you stop blaming and say, “WE DIDN’T WORK,” is a step in the right direction. Pining over or comparing everyone to your ex is equally problematic. When you’re still holding on to emotional baggage, you tend to bring up your ex on dates. You are never satisfied because you continue to compare everyone to them. If you don’t feel neutral, you’re carrying emotional baggage that you need to clear out.
- You haven’t regained your sense of self. It’s easy to lose your sense of self when you’re in a long-term relationship. Couples tend to merge towards each other and sometimes give up their hopes and dreams because they don’t feel supported. When you come out of a long-term relationship, the first thing you should do is find your authentic self again. Emerge as the incredible, hopeful, and purposeful person you were born to be. Remember your dreams, your bucket list, and get back on it. Be more of you!
- You haven’t audited your beliefs—particularly for anyone coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. One of the things they’re known for is gaslighting you. After a while, you start to believe what they say to you and about you that are untrue and mostly put-downs to make you feel weak and helpless. It’s essential to remove all those beliefs keeping you stuck and replacing them with new ones that support your goals and dreams.
- You’re not financially independent. A significant other is not the plan for getting out of debt or upgrading your lifestyle. Having a partner can indeed help you in many ways, including financially. But if that’s all you’re looking for and can’t support yourself, you’re likely going to make some lousy partner choices. Maybe even end up in an abusive and hurtful situation.
- You’re not ready to care for someone. One of the most important aspects of a relationship is two individuals mutually caring for each other. If you are not prepared to help someone achieve their hopes and dreams or take care of them when they’re sick, then go on living your best life alone until you’re ready.
People who begin dating again without clearing up the issues I mentioned tend to become cynical about love. They don’t have much success because they keep showing up with the blind spots that keep them stuck. Sometimes as a last-ditch effort, we have singles with those mindsets trying to sign up for our matchmaking services. But once we realize they are stuck, we quickly transition them to coaching because it is infinitely better to do the inner work that can clear these blocks before jumping into another relationship.